Gary BUTTERWORTH Online

STRATFORD, NJ, USA

Note: Here’s an interesting dichotomy about me: on one hand, I think I’m a pretty open, public person, as evinced by this website.  But, at the same time, there are some topics that I rarely, or never, touch on here, or even with friends.  They’re personal, and I don’t feel like sharing.  Besides, introspection can be cool, but too much introspection can be off-putting.

Nonetheless, I want my blog posts about my Nana to provide an accurate and complete chronicle of life caring for someone with Alzheimer’s disease. 
Life with Nana doesn’t go on in a vacuum, even though it feels like it sometimes.  Despite, or maybe because of the fact that I don’t have all that much interaction with the outside world, my experiences there seem to have a disproportionately large influence on my thoughts and feelings during the long hours I spend here. 
I’d like to talk about part of this now.

*** 

In November 2006, I moved in with my grandmother. 
Two months later, my girlfriend and I broke up after almost two years together.

It’s now been 9 months since the break-up, and, as some of my friends are aware, I haven’t exactly done the best job of moving on.  I want explain (and defend!) myself.

It’s for a variety of reasons. 
And it’s hard to untangle all the different reasons and figure out how much weight each of them holds.  But, if I had to guess, I would admit that what is probably biggest reason I’m having a hard time has little to do with my grandmom:

• I don’t particularly want to move on.  My old girlfriend is a truly wonderful person, and I still have feelings for her.   Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but the optimist in me can’t help but remember all the good times and great compatibilities, and the realist in me can’t help but acknowledge that I’m not likely to find absolute perfection anywhere.  And I’m not good at holding grudges.  She is and was remarkable, as were “we.” 

If I had to guess, I’d guess that the above probably accounts for 45-55% of why I’m having a hard time moving on (but I’m just guessing).  And, to be fair, I really can’t blame that on Nana.  But that’s far from being the whole picture; there are several other reasons making it hard to move on, and those DO involve my Nana situation.

Even if I don’t particularly want to move on, I think I have finally accepted the reality that I have to.  Fair enough.  But why, then, is it so hard?

• Mostly because I have nothing else to occupy my mind.  On average, I sit at home about 22 hours per day.  There are times when I’m not able to leave the house for 48 hours or more straight.  Outside, time marches on.  But here, everything is the same, day in and day out.  My daily routine here is exactly the same as it was when I was in a relationship.  And, with no end to the present situation in sight, I can’t help but think back to better days.  I wouldn’t say I “obsess” about the past, but I just can’t keep myself from stewing over it.  I wonder if things could have been, or could still be, different.  Or whether this really is for the best.
  If I saw my friends more often, I’d have a place to vent when I needed to.  But even more than that, if I had a life to live outside of the house, life wouldn’t be so empty.  I’d have other things to occupy my mind.  There would be distractions and releases from the emptiness and nostalgia.  And, without life being stuck on pause, I really do think I would find it much easier to move on.  But for now, I have too much time on my hands.

• I loved my life in DC.  I loved my girlfriend, I loved my job, I loved my city, and I loved my apartment.  I loved my freedom.  For close to two years, I sustained a lifestyle that I worked very hard for and absolutely loved.  Then, all at once, I had to give everything up.  All of it, all at once.  I wish there was SOMETHING from those days left to hang onto.  If I still had my job, my lady, or my apartment, it might be better.  But the fact that everything from DC disappeared at the same time makes things harder.  She is what made that era of my life so incredible.  But, if I still had other connections to that era to fall back on, it would be easier to let her go.

• I lost a friend when I need one most.  I guess this is probably the least sexy of my reasons.  After all, who wants a guy who “needs” anything?  Well, a human.  It seems like talk show hosts and relationship gurus have made “needs” a dirty word.  And they might be onto something; some people really are “too needy.”  But, as long as you don’t take it to an extreme, leaning on one another can be deeply rewarding, and I think that is what love is about. 
  My ex and I were each other’s best friends and deepest confidants.  We supported each other.  That sort of intimacy is incredible.  And it’s addicting.  I feel like I need that now more than ever.  But, just when I needed it most, I lost it.  As if that’s not bad enough, I don’t really understand why.  I mean, I understand why our boyfriend-girlfriend arrangement ended, but I don’t understand why the end of a romantic relationship also brings about the severing of emotional ties.  We still understand each other more completely than anyone else on Earth.  But now that we’re not “a couple,” we ignore this resource.  The idea that two people can be best friends one day and cold total strangers the next baffles me.  It seems so artificial, and such a waste.

So, there you have it. 
On one hand, I feel as though I am exhibiting a large amount of character strength by granda-sitting.  But strength-of-character feeds on things such as friendship, distraction, support, and hope.  And oftentimes, I’m not getting them.  And that makes things hard here.

I’m not exactly sure if the break-up is making my life with Nana harder, or of life with Nana is making the break-up harder. 

Maybe it’s a little bit of both.  Regardless, it’s hard to move on when life is on hold.  But I’m doing my best.

***

Thus ends my ultimate self-pity post. 
Check back, because you can rest assured that I will have another post very soon, if only to take the attention away from this melodramatic thing!

Filed under: alzheimers, Garyana, Life, Nana Tagged: | break-up, relationships